Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
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I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
same energy
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet