If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
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I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
it is time once again
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH