ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
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Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!