Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
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Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
Twitter is an abusement park.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.