All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
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Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
These aliens are taking forever.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”