Seems kinda suspicious
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[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
The answer is funnier than the question
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”