i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
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That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN