Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
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I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds