A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
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If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.