[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
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Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
See..?
.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Love this guy
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Muppet Screams
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.