I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
You Might Also Like
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.