[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
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Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks