Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
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Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical