Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
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Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Who knew!
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what