No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
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I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.