It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
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I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.