If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
You Might Also Like
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
no
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer