That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
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[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
I need to get some bricks…
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Okay
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
I just love that new Pope smell.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner