me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
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I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Something Saturday.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
happy mother’s day❤️