Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
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Delightful if true: booby trap.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Smooooooth
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…