God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
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Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Morning.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Do one person every day that scares you.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.