Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
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Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Netflix and awkward silence?
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Many hands make light work
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!