People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
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What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Goat cheese is for herders.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.