I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
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. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
man: wait
time: no
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them