So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
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“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.