[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
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I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Expect the unexporcupine.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.