take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
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Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.