google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
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Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.