This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
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Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
time for some seasonal decor
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Investing in beetcoin
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Cat.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?