My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
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Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
IT’S-A ME,
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.