If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
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After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it