Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
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#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Wait for it
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.