It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
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An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
☺️
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
[adds another nod to the conversation]
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.