Before & after 馃槄
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It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
[small-town McDonald鈥檚 cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won鈥檛 be seeing that guy again!
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that鈥檚 the secret
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”