“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
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“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
shampoo implies shampee
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.