You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
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My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
A friend sent me this.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Spa day..😅
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.