I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
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I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.