I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
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I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
you will never know the true number of layers
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.