Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
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[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.