Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
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Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 馃檹
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you鈥檙e super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.