“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
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I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Okay
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya