Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
You Might Also Like
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times