I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
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Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.