“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
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Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
*3.5 thank you very much.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?