In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
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One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
I put the hot in psychotic.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Trains are just sideway elevators.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*