Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
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Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Geez man, take it easy.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
this independent good boy don’t need no human
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?