Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
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Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”