[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
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When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”