*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
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friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
LMAO.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.