That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
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Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude